The power of a great marriage starts at the beginning of your relationship with your future husband or wife. There is a blessing in the waiting, abstaining from sex or so called ‘courting’. Please don’t get me wrong: abstaining from sex until marriage is not easy. It is pretty darn hard, especially for men. But the wait will be worth it. It is an investment for a great relationship. Don’t let the norm of today’s society fool you. We are bombarded with the image that having sex and living together should be the main focus of your relationship. Nothing could be more further from the truth. The following 4 reasons explain what to look for in your future spouse while you are waiting to walk down the aisle on the big day.
1. Time to get to know each other on a more spiritual level
‘This I say then, walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.’ – Galatians 5:16 KJV
‘But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blashphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.’ – Matthew 15:18-20 KJV
The Bible says that what a person says comes from the heart and eventually will manifest. Pay close attentions to the words that are coming from the mouth of your future spouse. Being physically attractive to someone is easy. This can happy any day at any time with anybody. But connecting with someone on a spiritual level takes time and perseverance. It’s no easy task to know about somebody’s mental health, financial situation, interests, sense of humor, wishes for a future family, past or present failures/addictions.
2. Questions to answer prior to your marriage
Please consider discussing the following questions with your future spouse prior to getting married.
- Do you know who you are as individuals? You are your marriage. You bring your singleness to the table, so make sure you keep on improving yourself to make your future marriage a succes. Low self-confidence, an agressive temper or criticism won’t bring you a happy marriage. Get to know you, so you know what you have to bring to the table. You will eventually need to learn about the different needs of a man and a woman. For example a man needs sex, but a woman needs affection. Learn about your own needs and the needs of your future spouse. Meeting each others needs is your goal in marriage.
- Does your future spouse loves to be in the presence of God? If you cannot find somebody who worships God, move on and keep on waiting! You want a woman who will be a helper and you want a man who will be a protector.
- Do you both have your work? Especially man cannot function properly without their work. ‘House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord’ – Proverbs 19:14 KJV. The wife needs to have the characteristics giving by God by cultivating and the man focuses on providing the riches.
- How does your future spouse treats his or her family?
- What generational curses does your future spouse carries and need to break bonds with?
- Do you add up to each other’s visions for life? Do you have a plan for your life for the next 30 years? Don’t marry somebody who is doing nothing and is going nowhere. Make sure you have a vision as a man before inviting a woman into your life. You must submit to the same vision prior to marriage. In a family life there is no division.
- Are you making each other better? Don’t marry somebody who decreases your value. Find somebody who improves your quality of life. As women we need to help/encourage our men to become better. We often don’t marry perfect, we improve and get better slowly.
- Do you cater to each others needs?
- Does your future spouse encourages your believes/aspirations?
- Do you know the inner circle of your future spouse well enough (1 Corinthians 5:9-13 CSB)?
- How will your future spouse will be able to carry you? Can your future husband protect you? A true husband is not physically or sexually abusive. A true man will protect his home with his life. From taking care of your future babies to making sure that all the bills are getting paid.
- Is your future spouse committed (or just a player)? Paragraph 4 covers the subject of commitment in more detail.
For example me and my husband could talk for hours on the phone about any subject prior to our marriage. I would often fall asleep during those late night calls. But the thing is, we still do this – late night talks and falling asleep while doing so. We communicate like crazy because that is how it all got started and it is still the foundation of our friendship, even in our marriage. I don’t believe it will ever stop. We just love talking to each other.
The same goes for travelling. Because of the abstain from sex we could only make day trips to the places we liked to visit prior to our marriage (no sleeping over!). We would hop on the bus from Amsterdam to Paris or London and get back the same day. We enjoyed each other’s company during our travels, regardless of the absent of a sexual relationship. Nowadays we have the opportunity to travel the world together as a married couple.
‘Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord’ – Proverbs 18:22 KJV
There are so many things you will need to figure out about your significant other that are way more important than having sex. Sex isn’t the deal breaker in a marriage. It’s often the answer to the questions I’ve mentioned above in this paragraph that could break your relationship. By not being focused on sex you get a chance to focus on the more important things in life.
Great sex is often something you develop over time because you get more and more familiar with each other’s likes/dislikes and you find comfort. That’s a thing you will have enough time for to figure out when you are married.
‘And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.’ – Romans 12:2 KJV
3. Commitment
Waiting is an act of commitment, not only the commitment towards your future spouse, but also towards God. It is through the difficulty of waiting you show how much you believe in what is coming next once you get married. The blessing is already in the waiting by doing the will of God.
Once you commit to somebody in marriage you have decided very clearly what and who you want. The safety and security you will have with your future spouse is one of immeasurable value. You won’t be able to build a greater foundation for your life than when you do everything that has been destined for marriage according to the will of God.
You and your future spouse are determined to build a life together. Your connection to hold on to each other should be a friendship you have never experienced before.
Living together after you get married only adds up to the great relationship you and your future spouse have, a relationship that centers God. A sexual relationship only adds up to the list of what you two already have together. Once again a sexual relationship is an important aspect of your marriage but it is not the foundation of your marriage.
4. Physical contact shouldn’t be the foundation of your relationship
‘For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.’ – Ephesians 5:31 KJV
‘Thou shalt not commit adultery.’ – Exodus 20:14 KJV
Your soul slowly rips down every time you share the bed with someone. ‘He said unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery – Matthew 19:8-9.’ The difference between a virgin and someone who has shared the bed with multiple people goes soul deep, not only skin deep. It’s adultery every time.
You don’t want to compare your partner with other partners you have shared the bed with. You know you have the best partner regardless of your sexual relationship. People often stay in a relationship due to the physical attention.
I believe the sooner you focus on the sexual relationship the faster you will be able to commit adultery. Because once you get bored with your partner you will be searching for that hype you had at the beginning of your relationship sooner or later (and thus commit adultery).
Because you wait until marriage you will leave behind the people and the places that seduce you into fornication. It’s better to cut off your hand when your finger leads you into sin.
Great bonus: your children will be born into a sacred relationship. You will set a great example for the next generation.