As young children we often get the wrong idea of what happiness should be like, especially in this era were the social media lifestyle is the norm. I like to define the current norm as unattainable perfectionism. If you get enough ‘stuff’ and friends to do fun things with you should be happy. Nothing can be more far from the truth. As I got older I have experienced that happiness is somenthing totally different. Objects or people could add up to that happiness but are always temporary. So don’t try to clinch to those things to preceive your happiness. You need to find a way to maintain your happiness when those things or people are no longer present or fulfilling your need.
Ectopic pregnancy
I experienced an ectopic pregnancy which meant I was slowly dying from the inside, not even knowing that I was pregnant. I was bleeding alot and mistakenly recognized that as my ‘normal’ heavy menstrual cycle. The happy period of month I experienced from the age of twelve (not!). At some point the pain was so agonizing I decided to go to the doctor. I was exhausted all the time and needed to catch my breath walking up the stairs to our apartment. When the doctor told me I was pregnant and could have experienced a miscarriage, all I could do was cry, cry and cry some more. You must know that I had no idea that I was pregnant. Me and my husband just got married a few weeks before. I did not expect to be pregnant on such a short notice. Taking in the message of the doctor was a bit much and a hard pill to swallow.
At the hospital they couldn’t see an embryo in my womb and to release me from the pain I would need surgery. With the surgery they would empty my womb and the ‘miscarriage’ that already aborted would no longer hurt. Weeks after the surgery I was still experiencing a lot of pain. Back at the hospital I heard that I may have an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is not visible with an echo but should be examinded by cutting my belly open. Ouch! Please realize that I was already in so much pain and I was not looking forward to another surgery on such short notice. If the surgery did not took place I would slowly die because the human body cannot endure an ectopic pregnancy. My pregnancy hormones did not drop and they were pretty sure that this was the cause of the problem. My womb was already empty so this would be the only solution. Why didn’t the doctors had the diagnosis right the first time around?! I blamed them for my ongoing suffering. The second surgery caused me to loose my left fallopian tube. The physical recovery process took months. The emotional recovery process took years. I wasn’t able to talk about my ectopic pregnancy without bursting into tears for a very long time.
On top of that I had to undergo another surgery for the removal of large fibroids. The fibroids would have been the possible cause of my heavy menstrual cycles and could have played a role in my ectopic pregnancy.
Happiness as an adult
With this testimony I want to give an example of the fact that I needed to redefine happiness as an adult. Nothing could give me happiness at that time. Physical and emotional suffering can be so devastating. It is hard to pretend you are happy even if you have alot of good people surrounding you. The people around you may never understand the pain and the trauma you have experienced. Eventhough they have good meanings and want what’s best for you. The question you need to answer is, how do you find happiness again after such an awful experience?
All I can say is this: turn to God. He has seen every tear you shed. He experienced every heartache you suffered. No pain is too hard for Him to carry you through. He is the only person to help you and to guide you. He always keeps his promises and He will never leave your side. God wants what’s best for you and He is able to give you the best. Never be afraid to pray and ask for His help. He will listen and dry your tears. One day, maybe not now, your trauma will be a testimony to save somebody’s life. God will send the Holy Spirit to fill you up with everlasting joy. That way you won’t be looking for joy in all the wrong places. He will help you to redefine happiness as an adult.
